Summer of Big Bummers and Grace, 2023

 

(Photo by Hollie Prast)

Here are some of my posts from this past summer:

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 You can't tell much from this picture, but...

I am making a new heartfelt start in my life. So much has happened upon me lately that some of it has been overwhelming in some respects--ironically enough, my blood pressure is nicely down! I am sometimes at my best in a storm. But, I have also in moments been sometimes well not at my worst but a bit far from my best also. As usual I hold back true tales for the sake of the comfort level of others in my life who really aren't much a part of my life, but a part of the lives of those whose lives I am also a part of. It's like a second cousin twice removed. So I have been in some ways stuck between a rock and a hard place. This was supposed to be a blog. Instead it ended up here after I said I wouldn't write anything much personal on fb anymore but that I would present personal things only formally like in a blog. Oh well, I am going back on my own word to myself and to you. That is not my best either. But then again, if I told you some of my recent stories, you might make the sign of the cross whether you are Catholic or not. Just when the haunted season is coming upon us. The last few weeks have been overall somewhat scary monstrous.

On my way home from Amherst -Lorain today, I saw a funnel cloud ahead on the road and it was headed for the ground. It was hard to tell if it touched the ground as a tornado or not. I kept driving because of course in Autumn I am invincible, lol, since my birthday is coming up after Halloween, so I drove to get a better look somehow feeling almost 99.99% sure that I would not get swept up in a tornado, and by the time I got to a semi-clearing on the side of the road with few enough tall trees I turned on my hazard lights and pulled over and took a picture and by then it had been dissipating. There for a brief moment I felt like a storm chaser, and it was the most excitement I had all summer til now! Here is the photo--my last few weeks were like the tornado and now things are dissipating like the funnel cloud. Happy Equinox, indeed! Mother Nature is so cool!--I love Her.

Like I said above, you can't see much of where the funnel had been touching down in this photo. But there it was.

All reactions:

11Byron Gaist, Rebecca Peterson and 9 others

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This post was set for friends only. It has since been moved into this blog and has ben deleted from FB.

My beloved starts his chemo treatments tomorrow to see if the tumor on his pancreas can be shrunk before surgery. A couple weeks ago the doc put a stint in between his pancreas and liver which has helped alleviate some of the pain, like when heart patients get a blockage cleared with a stint.

Please send a prayer for my loved one please, and thank you.

Last time I posted on here that he has cancer when we first got his completely unexpected diagnosis, someone in his family was quite upset about it so I deleted it for reasons within a long story I cannot tell you of here. Things are different (not better, however) now so I am posting this this time. By now most all his friends know too and not just his family. When I posted it last time upon his diagnosis, I thought everyone in his family already knew, as he had requested to a couple people to let everyone know. He was not feeling well enough at that time to call everyone.

Meanwhile, I had just gotten out of the hospital after four days when I had finally been admitted from a lengthy illness all summer that suddenly got worse and could have killed me. I was on standby for blood transfusion in case I needed it, my hemoglobin was that low. I didn't need the transfusion but I needed IV's full of all kinds of hydration and trace minerals mainly iron and magnesium were real low. They put me on steroids to help heal my internal wounds causing internal bleeding. Had I not gone to the e.r. when I did, I probably would have died. My body told me enough is enough--i am sorry to say that sometimes being strong means admitting you have a weakness and so I am glad I finally gave in and did not try to stay tough, stoic, and proud too much.

I was facing my own possible mortality and in some ways failed the test. But I talked to God and my deceased mother talked to me and then she and I talked a lot (she stayed close to me the whole time) and I "made a deal" in good faith and pure heart with God that I could get better and finish my bucket list while watching my granddaughter grow up, and to if better be able to help take care of my life partner. We have known each other for almost 30 years now and have been together many suns and moons round the wheel of the years. I am praying for a miracle.

Usually pancreatic cancer is not noticed until final stages, but I have hopes it is early enough to buy him more time.

So it was a difficult season last season and it continues on now.

May the Cosmos and Heavens and your Lucky Stars bless you if you read this far or even half this far. I generally try to not write real long posts unless in a blog I have posted.

Sometimes, there is nothing more toxic than adult grown children from a broken family who never outgrew their trauma as adults, then mix that with an attempted step family and you have the perfect recipe for hatred on one side and broken hearted failure on the other--no wonder so many second marriages fail.

There is not much worse than for whatever reason a dispirited house.

New attitude, less worry, less stress over unfortunate events, re-learn patience even when feeling it is over-tested, stop being Type A about when work doesn't get done, but re-do good habits to try to balance the work and non-work modes into establishing for myself some somewhat regular hours for writing/typing/editing and housework and fun-work doing other things and hobbies. I do not have the lifestyle to always keep regimented hours/work and play schedule due to certain conditions in my life and different needs of my family, but I do want to feel more accomplished at things besides being a household/domestic engineer, lol. And when certain people who hate me and yes there are some people who have sworn me in as their arch-enemy and when they act extremely hateful to do their best to hurt me and spew venom, I am learning to not absorb that. It is one thing to intellectually understand what to do but another to emotionally neutralize the hurt one feels and process it. In other words, sometime before my last breath of this air of this world, I will finally believe in myself enough to finish my bucket list and be at peace not just in death but in actual life. I have been going the distance for myself

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P.S. I generally believe in myself as a writer--I used to write for a living--but I need to believe now in myself as capable of the technical skill and discipline for the typing and putting the books actually together. They are actually finished being written and sitting pretty all in a row, but just not all typed up with final draft editing. I never get page sizes right for smaller size books and my headers and footers never stick and nor do the page numbers. It is the tech stuff with do-it-yourself self-publishing (as opposed to paying big bucks for a company to set it all up for me) that turns me absolutely cold!

(Photo by M. Bencivengo 2023 Lake Erie Huron Pier going out to lighthouse)

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Random Stuff , Quite Common

Just got done eating a beef pot roast with mashed potatoes and gravy and my fave okra fried in a pan with butter, no salt, no seasoning. I love it plain too, and the butter was salted though. You know you like okra if you like it breaded and seasoned fried, but you know you love okra if you love it plain in a skillet with a bit of water and browned butter. Yum yum. Next on my fave veg list are butternut squash and spinach.

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n the Jungian life of individuation, we constantly talk of Shadow work and Shadow play yet emphasize the work more than the play.

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You know, I am just a simple little lake town gal, but I keep seeing ads on FB for Saks Fifth Avenue clothing and boots and I want to shop there now at least once in my life. I do have clothes from Saks, but they are all from second-hand stores,

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